


Did You Get What You Wanted?

by TheFutureUnseen



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Freeform, Identity Reveal, Love Confessions, Romance, like angst with a capital A, prepare yourself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 16:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16432580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFutureUnseen/pseuds/TheFutureUnseen
Summary: “Did you get what you wanted?”Lena freezes in the doorway of the prison visiting room, her breath catching in her throat. Supergirl leans against the far wall, arms crossed and eyes hard; there is no warmth or curiosity in that question, just brittle, cold accusation.[Post 4x01]





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

Lately my hands they don't feel like mine  
My eyes been stung with dust, I'm blind  
Held you in my arms one time  
Lost you just the same

Jolene  
I ain't about to go straight  
It's too late  
I found myself face down in the ditch  
Booze in my hair, Blood on my lips  
A picture of you, holding a picture of me  
In the pocket of my blue jeans

Still don't know what love means  
Still don't know what love means  
Jolene

**Jolene - Ray LaMontagne**

* * *

 

“Did you get what you wanted?”

Lena freezes in the doorway of the prison visiting room, her breath catching in her throat. Supergirl leans against the far wall, arms crossed and eyes hard; there is no warmth or curiosity in that question, just brittle, cold accusation.

Lena can feel her heart-rate triple even as she tries to school her features. She lets her mouth curl into a smirk as she steps through the door and mirrors the other woman’s defensive gesture. “You waited for me? How nice. Here I was thinking a big hero like yourself would be too busy to worry about little ole me.”

“Why are you meeting with Lillian? What did she say to you?”

Lena’s smirk turns into a grimace at the irony of the situation. Because of course Supergirl doesn’t trust her. How could she ever trust a Luthor? Lena grits her teeth at that. Even after everything they have been through… No, Lena cannot allow herself to fall down that rabbit hole. Not again. She did once, after the DEO, after Supergirl asked James to break into her lab. No, she has already come to terms with _this_ , Lena reminds herself. She has already grieved the loss of their partnership… or whatever the fuck it had been.  

“I don’t answer to you, Supergirl,” she sneers softly and turns down the hall, heels clicking against the concrete. But she barely makes it fives steps.

The _hero_ pushes off the wall with inhuman speed and is suddenly in front of Lena before the Luthor can blink. And she has no time to react; Lena collides with Supergirl, inhaling sharply on impact. Then familiar warmth spreads across Lena’s hips as the Super’s hands steady her.

Sharp, painful heat spikes in Lena’s chest and her eyes begin to burn as something unfurls inside of her. Something Lena thought she had managed to smother, to snuff out. She forces herself to step away and hold Supergirl’s gaze.

“Don’t touch me,” Lena bites out and then adds, “And _don’t_ get in my way.”

Blue eyes pierce her as Supergirl stares back, brows furrowing at Lena’s hostility. Like she can’t quite understand the Luthor’s reaction. And the expression looks so familiar. It makes Lena’s head spin in a way that only ever happens around Supergirl and that strange sensation of deja-vu washes over her. But before Lena can fall too far into that familiar feeling, she firmly brushes it aside. She’s spent too much time thinking about the Super as it is.

Supergirl puts her hands on her hips and takes a step forward, “Why are you being so defensive?”

“Why are you so determined to find me guilty?” Lena retorts even as she shifts backwards, conceding ground. It’s not a conscious movement. Almost like two opposite sides of a magnet, like her body knows it's not allowed to be too close to the Super. Maybe it is self-preservation. Lena doesn’t know. But she’s having trouble breathing and has been since she left the visiting room. Lena’s pulse races as she attempts to sidestep the taller woman. But Supergirl catches her arm and Lena has to shift into the wall to put distance between them.

Again Supergirl gravitates towards Lena, fingers like a brand against the brunette’s arm. Somehow the superhero hasn’t gotten the message that they’re not supposed to be _this close._ Lena straightens her spine even as its presses against the cold concrete wall, managing to maintain her aloof mask despite the fact that she is the one trapped here.

Supergirl shakes her head, “You’re making it very easy, Lena. First I find you plotting with that woman and now you’re avoiding answering any of my questions—”

“ _That woman_ is my mother, Supergirl.”

The Super’s lips tighten into a thin line and she turns away, shoulders rigid. Lena breathes out, finally given an inch of space since she first began walking down the hallway. Then just as quickly Supergirl whips around and puts her hands on either side of the wall by Lena’s head. Lena’s heart stalls at the sudden movement and then beats twice as hard.

“Did you forget that she tried to kill you?” Supergirl demands angrily, but her eyes are wide and searching as she stares into Lena’s, their noses nearly brushing.

“She didn’t—”

“ _That woman_ would have let you die—”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your—”

“—and if not for _me,_ you would have!”

Lena clenches her jaw, eye blazing. “Is that what this is about? Have you not received enough gratitude, _Supergirl_?” She spits out the title like a foul word. “Do you want me on my knees, groveling, thanking you for my life?”

The heat vanishes from the Super’s eyes and she pulls back slightly, “No, of course—”

Lena pushes off the wall and steps into the other woman, “Do you want me to beg for your forgiveness? Should I be running it by the DEO any time I wish to speak to the woman who raised me?”

“Lena, stop—”

“Why? Because the mighty Supergirl ordains it so?” Lena can feel her anger rising and it tastes bitter in her mouth as she stalks forward and the hero gives ground; Supergirl’s face slackens with shock even as Lena continues, “It must get lonely at the top. When you go home and there’s no one left to boss around. No one there to _worship_ you.”

“Lena,” Supergirl’s eyes are blown wide as her back lands against the far wall. The breathless way she says the Luthor’s name hits Lena in the gut with that strange deja-vu again. And that feeling mixed with her anger feels explosive. She’s shaking and her fists can’t clench tight enough to stop the tremor. Supergirl just watches her silently for a moment.

“You really do hate me then.” It’s not a question. The words fall from Supergirl’s mouth quietly, like she’s only just realized the truth. Lena’s eyes feel hot as she glares at the shocked Super. The urge to cry is overwhelming, but she won’t let herself be vulnerable in front of this woman. Not again. How it has taken Supergirl so long to come to this conclusion, Lena doesn’t know. But it's easier to sell this hate than the truth so the next word falls from Lena’s mouth easier than it should.

“Yes.”

Supergirl’s eyes flash angrily and her hands suddenly spin them around until Lena’s the one that’s trapped again. “How?” Supergirl demands, her palms smacking the wall and sending vibrations down the stone and into Lena’s spine. “How is it possible that you can hate me? After everything. After all the times I saved you. Or do you not remember?”

Lena smiles bitterly, “Only as well as I remember the time you accused me of aiding and abetting a Worldkiller.”

“But I was right to not trust you! You created Kryptonite!”

“I didn’t make it to hurt you!”

“How could I know that?”

_“How could you not?”_

Supergirl just stares, shaking her head and Lena bites her lip, worried that she has given too much away. The silence stretches out between them only broken by the harshness of their breathing. And Lena’s taking shallow breaths, trying her best to become concave, to sink into the wall and keep her body from touching Supergirl’s. The proximity of her is unimaginable. Just one large breath would bring their chests together and it’s too much. It’s too painful. That Lena stands here in agonizing awareness of the warmth of Supergirl’s body, unable to touch her, to hold her. All while Supergirl just stares at Lena like she is some pet that the hero doesn’t get to play with anymore. Did Lena ever mean anything more to the Girl of Steel? _No._ If she did, Supergirl would not have turned her back so easily.

Lena breathes in sharply as she feels tears rising and turns her head to the side. Because even though she’s not looking at Supergirl, Lena has to put some distance between them. Because in this one interaction her world is crumbling. She has built each brick and stone of her life carefully, putting up walls that would protect her. She thought James would be enough. He should have been enough. He loved her. _Loved her_. And here she was just wishing for something more with a person who couldn’t care less.

“Lena.”

“Stop,” Lena’s hands fly up to push Supergirl away because she’s done. She can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. Warmth sears her knuckles as strong hands trap her own. Lena only meant to press against the woman with her fingertips, but now both her palms are flattened against Supergirl’s stomach and she can feel every ridge, every muscle that ripples beneath her hands. Lena’s breath catches in her throat and her eyes squeeze shut.

“Lena, look at me.”

“ _I can’t._ ” Lena hates herself for admitting it, hates that her voice sounds wobbly and weak. She’s a Luthor. She’s neither of those things and yet each time this woman is around everything Lena thinks she knows about herself flies out the window.

The warmth leaves Lena’s knuckles and spreads across her cheek. The sensation burns and Lena’s eyes fly open, her gaze falling into an ocean of endless blue. Supergirl’s expression is nearly as soft as her hand against Lena’s cheek when she whispers, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I didn’t know what to do and I panicked.”

Lena doesn’t know which time the Super is speaking of, but it doesn’t matter. Her answer will always be the same, so she says it. She lets the words fall from her mouth, “You could have trusted me.”

Supergirl nods, hands dropping back down to her side. “I wish I had. This rift between us has been killing me.”

Lena’s eyes widen and because she’s watching carefully she notices when Supergirl’s expression turns panicked and then smooths out quickly behind a tight smile. Lena’s hands twitch and she realizes they’re still pressed against the Super’s stomach. She pushes Supergirl away gently. Not very far, but enough that Lena is no longer leaning against the wall.

“Why?”

“What?” Supergirl’s confusion is plain.

“Why has this rift been killing you?”

The Super’s mouth opens and her jaw jogs as she searches for an answer. “I care about you.”

Lena’s breathes in and asks again, “Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Just answer the question.”

The blonde splutters and steps back, hands on her hips. “You are my friend. Of course, I care about you.”

Lena clenches her jaw, her eyes rising to the ceiling. “I’m your friend?”

“Yes.”

“When did that happen?” Lena snaps, spearing Supergirl with a heated glare. “You saved my life twice and I am grateful. Truly. I mean, I built you a freaking statue! But other than helping each other out a few times we have _never_ spent time together. We are not friends. So why do you care about me?”

Supergirl glowers back, “Lena Luthor, you are my friend whether you like it or not.”

Lena scoffs, hands resting on her hips even as that strange feeling of deja-vu steals over her once more. “You’re my friend?”

“Yes,” Supergirl snaps and gives Lena a petulant look as if she’s tired of this conversation. But Lena doesn’t pay attention to her irritation because the wheels are turning; the incredibly complex mechanism that is Lena Luthor’s mind has latched onto an idea and is testing its plausibility. It couldn’t be. But at the same time it would explain so much.

“Put your hair up, now.”

“What?!” Supergirl laughs sharply, beginning to look uncomfortable. And the awkwardness as she steps away only makes Lena more sure.

“Put. Your. Hair. Up.” Lena steps forward, her confidence rising as Supergirl’s calm, intimidating facade crumbles. Lena’s mouth twists into a vicious smile as she adds. “Did you bring your glasses with you?”

“I— I have to go,” Supergirl’s eyes are wide as she turns towards the door and Lena can just imagine her busting a hole in the roof to escape this inquisition. But that’s not an option. If she leaves now, Lena will never forgive her.

“Kara Danvers, don’t you dare leave,” Lena’s voice pitches higher as her best friend starts to stride away.

The blonde turns, hands raised, but legs still pulling her backwards. “I can’t—”

“If you leave now,” Lena warns her, “we are _not_ friends anymore.”

“Lena, I—” Kara pauses, but Lena can tell she won’t stay. A lump forms in Lena’s throat. This is so much worse than she thought. Losing Supergirl was one thing, but losing Kara Danvers. Losing them both. Kara’s eyes are apologetic even as she says, “I’m sorry, it’s just too much.”

Something in Lena breaks at that. She can feel it splinter into pieces inside of her and she lets out a low, long laugh. “It’s too much for _you_? You’ve been lying to my face ever since we met and _this_ is too much for _you_?”

Kara’s face is apologetic, torn, but she still backs away, “Lena—”

“No. No, you don’t get to do this,” Lena shakes her head, heart beating frantically. “You don’t get to just walk away from me. The Kara Danvers I know is not a coward. Or did you lie about that too?”

Kara freezes and takes a deep breath, her hands coming up to cover her face for a moment before dropping to her side, defeated. And her pause is all the time Lena needs to march down the hallway until she’s standing in front of her best friend. Supergirl stares back at her, the blue and red suit so distinctively different from anything Kara usually wears, but it is her. Lena can see it in the crinkle around the woman’s eyes. The furrow in her brow. The set of her shoulders. And as soon as Lena sees it, the similarity, she cannot unsee it. She wonders how she was ever foolish enough to fall for such a paltry disguise as glasses and a different hairstyle.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For lying.”

“That’s not good enough,” Lena hisses and fists her hands to keep from shoving Kara.

“I know!” Kara says and runs a hand roughly through her hair. “I didn’t mean to lie! I just— I didn’t know you! I mean, you were a Luthor and I didn’t know you. So I kept my identity a secret. And then we became friends and helped each other and I _knew_ I could trust you, but I had all these reasons for not telling people! Good reasons. So I promised myself I’d come clean eventually, but I kept putting it off and then psyched myself out because there was this huge _lie_ between us. I doubted myself and doubted you and then you got so _angry_ with me— I mean with Supergirl — and I didn’t know what to do, okay? I didn’t— I couldn’t tell you! I’d lost you once as Supergirl and I didn’t want to do it again as Kara Danvers. So… maybe I am more of a coward than either of us realized, but I didn’t want to lose you! _I didn’t want to lose you…_ I know all of this just sounds like excuses, but it’s the truth. You are too important to me and I panicked.”

Lena shakes her head, “Everything you just said should have been more motivation to be honest with me. You don’t build a friendship on lies, Kara. I told you everything about me. The good stuff. The bad. All the stuff about my family. I told you everything. And you should have been honest.”

“I know,” Kara murmurs, her head bent limply.

Lena feels her heart twinge at the sight, but she shoves the feeling down. “And why, if you’re my best friend, are you here questioning me? Do you know how much that hurts? It’s one thing for Supergirl to do it, but you, Kara? Do you really not trust me?”

“Of course, I trust you!”

“Then why were you here?”

“I don’t know!”

“Why did you wait and make me feel guilty for seeing my mother?”

“Because she hurt you!” Kara steps forward, her expression wild. “She almost killed you. She manipulates you left and right and I can’t stand the sad look on your face after you see her. So I waited to see if you were alright.”

“And then made me feel like a criminal.”

“I messed up, okay? I messed up.”

Silence stretches out between them and Lena counts the marks on the floor below their feet, unable to look at Supergirl— at Kara. Her brain feels like it is misfiring. Or maybe it is just finally putting together all of the pieces. All of the similarities. All of the lunches and conversations. The strange inexplicable phenomenon of being in love with two women who seemed so vastly different from each other… only to find out that they are the same person. But then which parts were real? Which were lies? Everything suddenly begins to make sense to Lena and yet at the same time it becomes infinitely more confusing. And it’s Kara’s voice - the less forced, more natural tone of her voice which brings Lena out of her free-fall.

“Can you forgive me?”

Lena opens her mouth, still gazing at the floor, and then finally says, “I don’t know.”

“Why?” The question is pleading and the desperation pulls Lena’s eyes up. Kara’s brows are pinched, her face crestfallen as she stares back at the Luthor. And Lena feels both relief and dread as she looks into that face. Because finally that yearning obsession and desire for Supergirl weaves through her unwavering affection for her best friend, becoming something bigger, stronger. And Lena realizes in that moment, as her eyes roam over the planes of Kara’s face, that _this_ is what love should feel like. Friendship and foundation laced with desire and passion — all those things she has never felt for James. Tried to feel, but never felt. Still, a painful awareness comes on the heels of that realization. Because they have somehow lost that one, fundamental quality. _Trust._ How can Lena trust her?

“Why?” Kara prompts again, impatient to know if she can find absolution.

Lena sighs, “Because it’s more complicated than that.”

“How can it be more complicated? Everything is out in the open now! Everything. There are no more secrets between you and me.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true,” Lena breathes out without even thinking then snaps her mouth shut. Too late. The admission already between them. Lena’s stomach drops at that. Because Kara’s secret has been revealed, but hers hasn’t. And she never meant for it to be.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” Lena says tightly. “Just forget it, okay?”

Lena steps past Kara and this time the Super lets her, the only sound echoing through the hallway is the click of Lena’s heels as she leaves. It’s only when she pushes through the front doors of the Prison and into the open air that she is able to take a breath. To fill her lungs and try to remove the strain of their interaction, but each breath only seems to add to the pain. Lena lets out a loud huff and blinks her eyes, trying desperately to keep back the tears that threaten to fall. She rummages for her phone, angry at herself that she didn’t think to call for the car while she stormed out. She hits send on a quick message to her driver right before a large whoosh of air nearly knocks her back. Supergirl— Kara lands right in front of Lena, her arms in that classic hero posture on her hips.

“What did you mean?” Kara demands, jaw working. “I’m not gonna forget it. Not when you think there are still secrets between us. I’ve told you everything.”

“I know that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Just—”

“Do you have a secret?”

“Kara—”

“What did you do?”

“What?”

“Is this about the Kryptonite?”

Lena laughs sharply, “Of course, that’s where your mind would go.”

“I’m serious Lena. There are some very dangerous people who are targeting aliens and if you gave them—”

“It’s not about the Kryptonite, Kara!”

“Then what did you do?”

“Stop accusing me of _doing_ something! I’m not going to tell you. Not here. Not—”

“Fine,” Kara nods and steps forward. “We can go somewhere else.”

“What? That’s not what I—”

A shriek escapes Lena’s throat as Kara wraps her arms around Lena’s waist and lifts them both into the air. Wind rushes past Lena’s ears, roaring loudly as if she is driving through a long tunnel. Her eyes begin to water and she squeezes them shut against the harsh current. She tries not to, but her heart is beating from her stomach and fear gripping her chest, so she wraps her arms around Kara and clings to the Super for dear life. All of her angry words and muttered curses are caught up by the wind and even with Supergirl’s hearing, Lena isn’t sure if Kara can hear them.

Just as suddenly her feet hit solid ground and the wind stops howling. Lena wobbles slightly in her heels and grips onto Kara for support until she realizes what she’s doing and then pushes Supergirl away with an angry growl.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Lena demands as Kara steps back and then smiles as her eyes travel the length of the Luthor. Lena clears her throat and pats her head to find that quite a bit of hair has fallen out of her pristine ponytail. She tucks the stray hair behind her ear and repeats her question in a hard voice.  

“You said you couldn’t tell me there so I brought you to my apartment.” Kara indicates their surroundings and it’s only then that Lena bothers to notice where the Super has flown them. It feels like ages since she has been in Kara’s home and something tightens in her chest to be here now.

“If you had let me finish,” Lena bites out, “you would know that I did not plan to tell you at all. _Not here. Not ever._ ”

Kara grimaces but takes a deep breath, undaunted. “Whatever you’ve done, you can tell me.”

“How convenient seeing as we’re not friends anymore and you’re a liar.”

“I stayed. I didn’t walk away,” Kara points her finger at Lena. “You may not have forgiven me yet, but I will always be your friend. Just tell me what you did!”

Lena sneers, “Why do you keep assuming I’ve done something?”

“Didn’t you?”

“No.”

“Then what is this _big_ secret?”

“I never said it was big.”

“No, but this conversation tells me it is. I’m not stupid, Lena.”

“Am I your hostage now?”

“WHAT?!”

“Seeing as you basically kidnapped me from the prison, I thought we should be clear about what this is. Am I free to leave?”

“Of course—”

“Good.” Lena spins towards the door. But Kara— Supergirl is faster. Lena laughs sharply as the caped hero rushes in front of the door.

“Just wait,” Kara holds her hands up, pleading. “Don’t leave like this.”

“Why not?” Lena looks past the person who used to be her best friend, fixing her gaze on the doorframe. “I don’t trust you. You don’t trust me. We’re not friends anymore. Why should I stay?”

“Fine. Don’t stay. But if I’ve already lost you, then why not make it a clean break, huh? Whatever this secret is, you can tell me. And if you think it’s going to hurt me, don’t worry about it. Because I promise you that there is nothing you can say that will hurt more than you walking away like this.”

Lena’s chest cinches tightly and she swallows. Her green eyes sweep to Kara where she is braced against the door before Lena walks forward, counting each step until she stands right in front of the woman who used to be her best friend. “And I promise that telling you is going to hurt me more than you.”

“I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“You can’t guarantee that,” Lena murmurs between them. “You might not mean to, but you will. I know it.”

Kara shakes her head, like she is at a loss for how else to convince Lena, then the Super stills. She raises her eyes to Lena’s before asking one final question, “What do we have left to lose?”

Lena has stopped breathing. She’s forgotten how to amidst the infinite cerulean of Kara’s eyes which gaze back at her. Like time has stopped and it’s just them. Just two people desperately trying to cling to something that is slipping away. And if it’s already slipping away then what does Lena have left to lose? When she walks out that door it might be the last time. The last time she looks into those blue eyes or shares breath with this person whom she has come to care for so deeply. And the hurt which pounds through her heart reminds Lena of this.

So she steps forward. Two steps. One which brings her into Kara’s space and causes the Super to straighten against the door. The second which brings them nearly flush and Lena breathes in deeply as she continues to stare at Kara’s eyes, now blown wide. Lena lifts her hands to either side of Kara’s face and ghosts them over her flushed cheeks. The moment seems to suspend before them as Lena leans forward slowly, by fractions, until she can feel the puff of Kara’s sporadic breath against her lips.

Then just as slowly she captures Kara’s breath with her own, sinking her lips into the soft perfection of Kara’s mouth. All thoughts and worries. All pain and sadness leaves Lena in those brief moments where their lips meet. And happiness sings through her blood; a sense of rightness courses through her soul in a way she never imagined possible.

Kara remains frozen, stunned, when Lena pulls away to look at her, fingers still featherlight over the Super’s face. There’s no horror or disgust or any of the things Lena had dreamed of in her nightmares. Kara’s face is blank, as if she’s been hit over the head too hard and lost consciousness for a brief moment. Lena takes a breath and leans forward to press her cheek against Kara’s. A goodbye.

She whispers softly in the Super’s ear, “I’m in love with you Kara Danvers. That’s my secret. _I love you._ ”

Lena steps away. And though her heart begs her to wait for the thaw which will eventually sweep over Kara’s stunned expression, Lena cannot listen. She smiles sadly at the woman before her and turns the door handle, slipping into the hall beyond. Lena takes off her heels and walks barefoot down the endless flights of stairs. Her breath rattles in her lungs as she descends, exhilaration fading into something else in her chest. Something mixed. Because while she feels the tender grief of that bridge crumbling between them, she also feels irrevocably, inexplicably… _free_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta for this so forgive any minor mistakes! 
> 
> Also, if you haven't listened to The Staves sing Jolene, you should absolutely check it out. It is _incredible_.
> 
> You can listen to it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im6-xs2_giA).  
>    
> Reviews give me life so please leave a comment <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, guys. I am so completely overwhelmed and shocked by the response to this story. It was just something that came to me after watching 4x01 and I posted the story thinking that no one would really see it. Fast forward a few hours and I already had 30 comments, then 50, then 75. Too many for me to reply to individually. This is literally a writer's dream, so I feel grateful to every single one of you who took the time to express your love, distress, or outrage upon reading. Thank you. 
> 
> This was only supposed to be a one-shot, just a glimpse into a possible identity reveal/love confession. But.... then I wrote a bit more. I wrote Kara's POV. As always with angst, please make sure you are in a space to read it. Otherwise, enjoy.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Alena "@gayluthxr" and Sofia Rojas "@SofiaRojasOne7" who both recommended this fic on their Twitters. I truly cannot describe the bliss of seeing your fanfic praised by people who you look up to and have followed for a while. _Wow._ Thank you.

* * *

As a kid, my hands were red  
When you asked me I denied it  
I've told lies that never came true  
I have stolen and so have you

If we can make it through another day  
With you believing in my innocence  
And we can make it through another year  
Cause we both need it to forget this fear

If it's all the same to you  
Then it's just a little white lie  
Then it's all the same to me  
And it's just a little white lie  
_White Lie - The Lumineers_

* * *

  
Kara forces herself to relax, arranging her body to lean casually against the concrete wall as the visiting room door swings open. Lena Luthor’s immaculate figure appears in its frame, hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail that only emphasizes the angular beauty of her face. The urge to fidget overwhelms Kara, but she swallows her nerves and crosses her arms deliberately. As if she is bored of waiting. As if she hasn’t been pacing the hallway like a lunatic, listening to every breath, every word which has escaped this woman’s mouth.

“Did you get what you wanted?”

Lena freezes. Her jade eyes find Kara— find _Supergirl_ and that satisfied smile falls flat. Kara clenches her jaw, wishing for the tenth time that she had changed. But there are no good explanations which would allow Kara Danvers to appear here. Not after Supergirl barged into the Luthors’ tete-a-tete.

“You waited for me?” Lena inquires cooly, her voice as sharp as the cruel slant of her lips. “How nice. Here I was thinking a big hero like yourself would be too busy to worry about little ole me.”

Kara can feel the anger radiating off the Luthor, but her own indignation rises to meet it. Because she already knows what Lena asked of her mother, how Lillian offered to _‘educate’_ her. Kara heard the whole conversation — heard how Lena is willing to risk it all, risk falling back into her toxic, shadowed past for James. To protect him. Sacrificing her own safety and hard-won integrity. Thick frustration forces Kara to ask again and spur some confession.

“Why are you meeting with Lillian?” she demands, eyes grazing over Lena as if she might _see_ the hint of her betrayal as a tangible thing. “What did she say to you?”

“I don’t answer to you, Supergirl,” Lena states simply before turning down the hallway.

Hot determination flashes through Kara and she speeds after Lena, easily surpassing the Luthor to impede her path. _You may not answer to me, but you do answer to the law. Would they approve of what you’re planning with your mother?_ That’s what Kara intends to say, but the words catch in her throat as Lena barrels into her.

Kara’s hands reach out instinctively, fingers latching onto Lena’s hips to prevent her from tumbling backwards. The Super silently curses herself for forgetting the delayed reaction time of humans. Because Lena’s heartbeat has spiked dramatically. Kara can hear the _thump thump_ echoing sporadically in her ears. She opens her mouth to apologize, but Lena’s words cut through her first.

“Don’t touch me. And _don’t_ get in my way.”

Kara’s arms fall limply to her side as Lena steps away. And something twists painfully in her chest at those words. She thinks it must be the distance between them. Because ever since the DEO, just being Supergirl around Lena has hurt, pinched like a shirt four sizes too small.

But Kara pushes those feelings away and instead tries to reconcile the cool indifference of Lena’s face with the sound of her fast beating heart. “Why are you being so defensive?”

“Why are you so determined to find me guilty?” Lena snaps even as she begins to back away. The Luthor switches directions, moving to brush past Kara, but the blonde reaches out and presses her hand gently against Lena’s arm. It’s a light touch, infinitesimal really. Yet Lena jerks away as if she has been burned. Her back hits the concrete wall and pain flashes across her face. Kara steps forward quickly, but her words of concern wither as the Luthor’s cool mask locks back into place.

The Super smiles bitterly, shaking her head, “You’re making it very easy, Lena. First I find you plotting with that woman and now you’re avoiding answering any of my questions—”

“That woman is _my mother_ , Supergirl.”

Lena’s words hit Kara like a physical blow. Mother. _Mother_ . How could she still call Lillian that after everything the woman had put her through? Sharp anger turns Kara’s stomach and she has to twist away because her eyes have begun to burn. The last thing she needs right now is to melt a hole in the prison wall with her lazer vision. She can only imagine what kind of fodder it would provide for the anti-alien movement. She can just see the headlines: _Supergirl loses it in National City Prison. DANGER._ And if she is honest, Kara doesn’t want to frighten Lena. She’s never wanted that.

Breathing deeply, Kara turns back around and braces her hands against the wall. Her arms shake slightly as she reigns in the intensity of her emotions and asks in clear, enunciated words, “Did you forget that she tried to kill you?”

Lena’s green eyes flare, “She didn’t—”

“ _That woman_ would have let you die—”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your—”

“—and if not for _me,_ you would have!” Kara finishes in a low voice. Her breath comes in sharp lungfuls as she stares back at Lena, daring her to argue. The Luthor’s mouth falls open, cheeks flushing slightly. Then Lena’s face twists into something darker and Kara has a moment to register uncertainty at the sudden change.

“Is that what this is about?” Lena hisses. “Have you not received enough gratitude, _Supergirl_? Do you want me on my knees, groveling, thanking you for my life?”

The venom in those words hollows out Kara’s stomach as efficiently as any sledgehammer. And her heart stalls a beat, the next inhalation tasting like needles. She straightens, “No, of course—”

But it’s not enough for Lena. The Luthor pushes off the wall and into Kara with a cold fire in her eyes. “Do you want me to beg for your forgiveness? Should I be running it by the DEO any time I wish to speak to the woman who raised me?”

“Lena, stop—”

“Why? Because the mighty Supergirl ordains it so?”

Lena advances steadily. Her harsh words grow louder and merge together to become a sharp ringing in Kara’s ears. And the Super isn’t even aware of giving ground. She isn’t aware of anything except Lena’s face, of the way the Luthor sneers with both malice and delight as she drives the Super back. It is a look that reminds Kara far too much of Lex, of those horrific mugshots from the paper. The ones that had his twisted, cruel smile above a quote which read, “ _I did it. I set the world on fire and I’m not sorry.”_ He would do it again the article said. And he was friends with Clark once. Just as Lena is friends with Kara now.

With that thought, a familiar fear sweeps over Kara. And it’s the same crippling anxiety which keeps her up at night — paralyzed by the smallest possibility that Lena might one day do the same. She doesn’t want to think it. Just the words in her head feel like a betrayal of her best friends. And yet… if it did happen. If Lena listened to Lilian, joined the anti-alien movement, and reformed Cadmus. If Kara had to face her one day across a crowded street littered with smoke and civilians… No, Kara is not sure she would be able to be Supergirl, to protect _anyone…_ let alone herself. Tears pool in the corners of Kara’s eyes as her back hits the far wall.

“Lena,” she begs softly, pleading. But the hard shell over the Luthor’s face doesn’t crack and Kara’s eyes fall. She stares at the gray stone beneath their feet, unsure of how she finds the stomach to utter the next six words. “You really do hate me then.”

_“Yes.”_

The word is brittle, hard, and unforgiving. A sharp heat lances through Kara as it registers — the confirmation of all her fears. Because even though she said those words, she only half believed them. Kara breathes in sharply, blinking back the moisture in her eyes. She twists Lena into the concrete wall and then forces her shaking hands away from the Luthor’s shoulders. Because right now Kara can’t trust her own strength.

“How?” The Super demands, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotions. She braces her palms against the wall and takes a deep breath before asking in a more steady voice. “How is it possible that you can hate me? After everything. After all the times I saved you. Or do you not remember?”

Lena smiles bitterly, “Only as well as I remember the time you accused me of aiding and abetting a Worldkiller.”

“But I was right to not trust you!” Kara insists, the memory pounding through her blood. “You created Kryptonite!”

“I didn’t make it to hurt you!”

“How could I know that?”

_“How could you not?”_

How could you not? The question rings in Kara’s ears as she stares at Lena. _How could you not?_ And there it is — the issue between them. It’s always the same. Always. And guilt floods Kara even as she tastes that familiar panic on her lips, that uncontrollable fear of betrayal, of hurt and of loss. Things that have not yet come to pass, but just in their fragmented possibility become real monsters which haunt her.

She never thought Lena would come to mean so much to her, to Kara Danvers. Time and time again, Kara reminded herself not to get too close. Not to let Lena all the way in. But the Luthor didn’t have the same qualms. Maybe it was because she didn’t know the truth. Maybe the truth wouldn’t have mattered. But Lena had just pushed and pushed and pushed until Kara’s walls dissolved. Until there was not a single person outside of her family that Kara cared for more. Friends who she had known for years felt superficial and lacking in comparison to the brief hours she got to spend with Lena. No one could make her laugh quite as hard or feel as seen in just a few short words. But now… _You really do hate me._

Lena doesn’t know the truth and now that Kara is sure her hatred for Supergirl, the Luthor never will. Kara can never tell her, never be completely herself, never breathe easy or stop looking over her shoulder. She’ll never stop wondering if one day Lillian might tell Lena everything and Kara would be forced to watch her whole world collapse under the consuming rage that was sure to follow. Kara wouldn’t survive it. Couldn’t survive it. She would leave Earth. She would rather float in a pod for another twenty-four years than spend one day as Lena Luthor’s enemy.

A shaky inhalation draws Kara’s attention back to the prison hallway. Lena’s indifferent mask has crumpled and a tear tracks slowly down her pale cheek. Kara’s breath catches in her throat as she watches its progress. She has to do something. Has to fix this. Somehow.

“Lena,” she speaks softly, hesitantly.

“Stop.”

Cold fingers press into Kara’s stomach and her heart stalls at the unexpected contact. Her hands flatten instinctively over Lena’s, trapping the brunette’s fingers against her stomach and warming them. It’s strangely intimate. Kara recognizes that. But her mind fixates on more important things. On the abnormal chill of Lena’s fingers. On her desire to keep the Luthor there, to soothe things somehow. Kara’s eyes drag up from her torso where their hands merge and she frowns, “Lena, look at me.”

_“I can’t.”_

Kara’s frown deepens and she steps a bit closer. Lena’s face is turned to the side, her eyes squeezed shut. The Luthor’s skin is flushed and the trail of that single tear still glistens under the fluorescent lighting. Something twists inside Kara as she stares at the beautiful woman standing before her, at her best friend in the whole world. This person she has lied to everyday since they met. Kara might never be able to admit the truth, but she can try to apologize for it.

Her stomach coils as she reaches up to touch the Luthor’s alabaster skin. Lena’s eyes snap open and her head turns until her cheek is pressed into the Super’s palm. And Kara cannot remember how to breath. She tries to speak through the lack of oxygen and her voice sounds hoarse even in her own ears, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I didn’t know what to do and I panicked.”

“You could have _trusted_ me.”

“I wish I had. This rift between us has been killing me.”

Lena’s breath hitches, heart rate spiking. Kara mentally runs through her own words to see if she gave something away… but there’s nothing, no big secret revealed. So she tries to pretend things are normal, tries to smile even as Lena pushes her away and asks her why.

“What?”

“Why has this rift been killing you?”

Kara opens her mouth, searching for an suitable answer. The only thing that comes to mind is a small and vital truth. “I care about you.”

_“Why?”_

Kara’s face flushes, “What do you mean why?”

“Just answer the question.”

“You are my friend,” she splutters and takes a step back, trying and failing to maintain a semblance of calm. “Of course, I care about you!”

“I’m your friend?”

“Yes.”

“When did that happen?” The Luthor’s voice is sharp as steel again and her hard, green eyes seem to stare through Kara’s soul. “You saved my life twice and I am grateful. Truly. I mean, I built you a freaking statue! But other than helping each other out on a few occasions, we have _never_ spent time together. We’re not friends. So why do you care about me?”

“Lena Luthor, you are my friend whether you like it or not.”

“You’re my friend?”

“Yes,” Kara sighs, throwing her hands wide. How can she convince Lena of this? But the Luthor’s expression is tentative, quizzical as she regards Kara silently. Her fine, dark eyebrows bunch together as her arms cross over her chest.

“Put your hair up, now.”

“What?!” Kara’s heart beats a rapid rhythm in her chest. Of all the weird things for Lena to say… Even as her brain tries to rationalize the statement, Kara can hear warning bells ringing.

“Put. Your. Hair. Up.” Lena steps forward, mouth twisting into a vicious smile as she adds, “Did you bring your glasses with you?”

Kara’s heart ceases to beat. The world around her slows to a crawl and for a full five seconds her body seems to shut down. Because this cannot be happening. This was never supposed to happen. Not now.

Without conscious thought, one hand flies to the side of her face. And it’s that movement which solidifies the certainty in Lena’s eyes. Kara sees the determined, victorious expression set on the Luthor’s features. Sees it as clearly as she can still hear their words pounding through her head. _You hate me then. Yes. You hate me then. Yes. Yes._ **_Yes_ ** _._

“I— I have to go,” Kara breathes out through the pain in her chest. She whirls around and starts moving her feet, willing her body to function through whatever haze has taken hold. She can’t breath. Can’t think. Can’t feel anything past the raw thumping in her chest. The only thing propelling her legs forward is the promise that if Kara moves fast enough she won’t have to witness the determination on her best friend’s face turn into rage, into unadulterated _hate_. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Kara Danvers, don’t you dare leave.”

She whirls around at the shrillness in Lena’s voice, but even that is painful. Because Kara can already see the steady descent, see the hurt that shimmers over the Luthor’s features. Hurt which will soon twist into something far darker. And it will be because of her. Because of Supergirl. Because of Kara Danvers.

She can see it all now. Everything Kara has always dreaded will come to pass because of her. Not in spite of her lies. But _because of them_. If she had only been honest in the beginning. If she had told Lena… but it’s too late now. She gasps out through broken lungs, head shaking, “I can’t—”

“If you leave now,” Lena growls at her, “we are _not_ friends anymore.”

“Lena, I—” Her blue eyes drift up, unsure if the Luthor realizes that she has implied that there is still a possibility, a chance, a hope. But Kara can see that fragile warmth cracking from the inside out. And it’s so painful to watch. It’s all her fault.  “ _I’m sorry,”_ she whispers through trembling lips. _“It’s just too much.”_

A long, low laugh escapes the Luthor and the hollow sound sends a shiver down Kara’s spine. The beginning of the end. Acid drips through Lena’s words, spreading like some necrosis across the floor between them, “It’s too much for _you_ ? You’ve been lying to my face ever since we met and _this_ is too much for _you_?”

The resentment in her words is another physical blow and Kara takes a few steps back as if the movement alone can save her. The bright hallway and the woman in it swim before Kara as her eyes fill with tears. “Lena—”

“No. No, you don’t get to do this,” Lena snarls, but there is a frantic edge to her voice. “You don’t get to just walk away from me. The Kara Danvers I know is not a coward. Or did you lie about that too?”

Kara’s legs become roots. Her chest heaves as she tries to gain control of her breathing and this situation… but it’s useless. She brings her hands to cover her stinging eyes, rubbing her face like she might push the watery liquid back into her body. Again, useless. Her hands fall heavy to her side and knock the breath from her lungs.

Lena stands only a few feet from her now, green eyes narrowed in vivid accusation. And Kara cannot bring herself to put more distance between them. So she just stands there, defeated. She lets Lena scrutinize her, lets the Luthor’s harsh gaze judge her worth and no doubt find her lacking. She reminds herself to _shut the fuck up,_ to not make things worse than they already are. But she doesn’t look down, doesn’t allow herself that relief. She forces herself to watch every minute change in Lena’s expression. Maybe it’s a punishment. And if it is, Kara thinks she deserves it.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry,” Kara whispers.

“Sorry for what?”

“For lying.”

“That’s not good enough!”

“I know!” The admission explodes from her mouth, a floodgate opened. Kara’s hands rake through her hair in one last attempt to quench the deluge that is coming, but it’s like trying to change the tide or move a mountain. Her nervousness bubbles to the surface and brings every hidden truth with it. She loses track of time, loses awareness of the words that flow out of her mouth. They are inconsequential compared to the fierce nameless emotion ripping its way through her chest.

“I’d lost you once as Supergirl,” Kara hears herself say, “and I didn’t want to do it again as Kara Danvers. So… maybe I am more of a coward than either of us realized! But I didn’t want to lose you. _I didn’t want to lose you…_ I know all of this just sounds like excuses, but it’s the truth. You are too important to me and I panicked.”

Kara looks at Lena, desperate and a little hopeful, because she never thought they would get this far. She never imagined that Lena would let her explain or even want her to… after everything. But Lena simply shakes her head and the movement sends shards through Kara’s heart.

“Everything you just said should have been more motivation to be honest with me. You don’t build a friendship on lies, Kara. I told you everything about me. The good stuff. The bad. All the stuff about my family. I told you everything. And you should have been honest.”

_“I know.”_

“And why, if you’re my best friend, are you here questioning me? Do you know how much that hurts? It’s one thing for Supergirl to do it, but you, Kara? Do you really not trust me?”

“Of course, I trust you!”

_“Then why were you here?”_

“I don’t know!” But that’s only half true. Because she _does_ trust Lena, she just doesn’t trust herself. And that’s the problem. That’s always been the problem.

“Why did you wait and make me feel guilty for seeing my mother?”

“Because she hurt you!” Kara steps forward, her expression wild as her mind flashes back to seeing Lena nearly unconscious on the floor. “She almost killed you! She manipulates you left and right and I can’t stand the sad look on your face after you see her. So I waited to see if you were alright.”

“And then made me feel like a criminal.”

Kara inhales sharply, taking in the pained twist of Lena’s features. “I messed up, okay? I messed up.”

Lena stares at the ground like she cannot quite believe the words coming from Kara’s mouth. And the Super can’t blame her. She had messed up. So badly. Because from day one her gut had told her that she could trust Lena. But Kara had spent so much time trying to figure out if _she_ was wrong, spent so much time doubting _herself,_ that she had made her best friend feel like a criminal. Kara’s insidious doubt had grown like a mold between them and now she could only hope it wasn’t too late. She could only hope there was enough of their friendship left to recover.

“Can you forgive me?”

Lena’s gaze doesn’t leave the floor, but she sounds tired when she finally says, “I don’t know.”

“Why?” The word leaves Kara’s mouth before she can stop it. And as soon as it floats between them, she cannot help but echo it. _“Why?”_

Lena sighs, “Because it’s more complicated than that.”

“How can it be more complicated? Everything is out in the open now! _Everything_. There are no more secrets between you and me.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true.”

“What do you mean?” Kara insists, feeling her desperation rising like a tidal wave.

“Nothing.” Lena’s cold mask slips back into place, deftly obscuring her emotions once more. Kara shakes her head even as Lena says quietly, “Just forget it, okay?”

The Luthor steps past Kara and this time she lets her. Not because she wants to, but because Kara cannot move. The tidal wave has hit with crippling force. She stands stunned, her face falling even as she listens to the fading echo of Lena’s heels against the concrete floor. A door closes. Kara tries to breath, but nothing comes into her lungs. She is frozen in place where Lena left her.

Time slows to a crawl around Kara. She can hear the tick of the hall clock like a slow metronome. She can hear the faint whisper of a fly’s wings rubbing together and the long scuff of a guard’s boot from somewhere down the hall. Then, just as suddenly, the world fast forwards into motion. Because this can’t be how it ends. Not while Kara is still breathing. Not while she still has strength to fight for a better future.

Her muscles lengthen and contract at an inhuman speed as she moves through the prison and bursts through the front doors. And for the first time in so long, Kara acts on instinct rather than thought as she shoots up and lands in front of Lena, blocking her path once more. The Luthor stumbles slightly.

“What did you mean?” Kara steps forward. “I’m not gonna forget it. Not when you think there are still secrets between us. I’ve told you _everything_.”

“I know that.”

Kara’s mouth opens, then shuts in confusion. Her brows furrow, “Then what is it?”

“Just—”

“Do you have a secret?”

“Kara—”

The guilt written across Lena’s face steals something from Kara’s soul. And suddenly she’s no longer a Danvers, but Supergirl. Something bigger than herself. She manages to keep her voice soft as she demands an answer, “What did you do?”

“What?”

“Is this about the Kryptonite?”

“Of course, that’s where your mind would go,” the Luthor laughs hollowly.

“I’m serious Lena. There are some very dangerous people who are targeting aliens and if you gave them—”

“It’s not about the Kryptonite, Kara!”

“Then what did you do?”

“Stop accusing me of _doing_ something! I’m not going to tell you. Not here. Not—”

“Fine,” Kara appeases, her brain working at twice the normal speed for a solution. “We can go somewhere else.”

“What? That’s not what I—”

Kara wraps her arms tightly around the shorter woman and lifts off. The startled noise Lena makes is caught in her throat and ripped away by the wind as the Super pulls her closer. Kara angles herself so that she can take the brunt of the current across her own back. But any worry for Lena is mitigated by the breathless expletives which the Luthor finds the energy to shout in Kara’s ear. ‘ _Put me down, you heathen!’_ A gust of air takes the rest then, _‘Don’t you dare drop me.’_ and _‘I’m going to fucking kill you, Kara Danvers.’_ The last one lands painfully in the Super’s chest, but the ache is almost immediately soothed as Lena’s hands snake around Kara’s waist and cling to her. Kara tries to expand her lungs, but finds her breath stuck as Lena turns away from the wind, tucking her head beneath the Super’s chin. And for those brief, soaring moments, Kara can almost pretend that everything is normal. That Lena knows the truth and it hasn’t broken them. But the illusion is over too quickly.

Kara flies them through the window of her apartment and lands in the middle of her living room. Lena wobbles and Kara braces her arms in support, only to be shoved away a second later.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Kara opens her mouth to answer, but is distracted by the Luthor’s disheveled state. Wisps of ebony hair flutter around Lena’s face and a large lock has escaped from her high ponytail. It’s so different from the Luthor’s normally pristine appearance that it reminds Kara how fragile she is, how human, how precious… and the warm feeling which fills Kara brings a wry smile to her face despite the angry fire in Lena’s eyes.

Lena huffs and tucks the lock behind her ear, _“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”_

“You said you couldn’t tell me there, so I brought you to my apartment.”

“If you had let me finish, you would know that I did not plan to tell you at all. _Not here. Not ever._ ”

Kara feels the smile fall from her face, but she doesn’t take her eyes from Lena’s as she says quietly, “Whatever you’ve done, you can tell me.”

“How convenient seeing as we’re not friends anymore and you’re a liar.”

“I _stayed_ . I didn’t walk away,” Kara argues. “You may not have forgiven me yet, but I will _always_ be your friend. Just tell me what you did!”

“Why do you keep assuming I’ve done something?”

“Didn’t you?”

“No.”

“Then what is this _big_ secret?”

“I never said it was big.”

“No, but this conversation tells me it is. I’m not stupid, Lena.”

Lena scoffs, crossing her arms, “Am I your hostage now?”

“WHAT?!” The word explodes from Kara’s mouth like a tripped mine.

“Seeing as you basically kidnapped me from the prison, I thought we should be clear about what this is. Am I free to leave?”

“Of course—”

“Good.”

Kara watches aghast as Lena spins to leave, her expression as glacial and indifferent as when she first walked through the visiting room door. But it cannot end like this. That is the one thought spinning through Kara’s mind as she rushes to the door, using her body as a barricade against Lena’s warpath. And she’s lost count now of how many times she has tried to stop her best friend from leaving, from giving up on them. It feels like the only thing keeping them together and what if it’s not enough? What if Kara is not enough?

“Just wait,” she pleads, hands raised before her. “Don’t leave like this.”

Lena purses her lips, unwilling to look at Kara. “Why not? I don’t trust you. You don’t trust me. We’re not friends anymore. Why should I stay?”

_Why should I stay?_ Kara is at a loss. She doesn’t know the right words to make this better. She’s never had that ability. Sure, she has made speeches as Supergirl. She has inspired the masses. But she is just Kara Danvers now. She doesn’t have the collected clarity to make this highly intelligent person _choose_ to stay, not when Lena is clearly so determined to leave.

“Fine. Don’t stay,” a sigh escapes Kara and she wraps her arms into herself. “But if I’ve already lost you, then why not make it a clean break, huh? Whatever this secret is, you can tell me. If you think it’s going to hurt me, don’t worry about it. I promise you that there is nothing you can say that will hurt more than you walking away like this.”

“And I promise that telling you is going to hurt me more than you.”

Kara looks up from the ground, looks up at Lena. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“You can’t guarantee that. You might not mean to, but you will. I know it.”

Kara shakes her head at the certainty on Lena’s face. How could she not know? After all this time, how could Lena not know what she means to Kara? What their friendship means? Kara has _never_ felt close with someone like this. Not until Lena. And yet… how could Lena possibly know that? Between all the lunch dates and coffee and donuts, Kara had never bothered to stop and just _say it._

Even as Kara stares at Lena now, knowing that those words might be the only thing holding them together, she cannot say them. She doesn't even know how to _begin_ to say them. How can she explain something that she hasn’t figured out herself? The words that come out feel like a vague shadow compared to what is pounding in her heart, “What do we have left to lose?”

Her eyes meet Lena’s and something shifts behind those jade orbs. They widen as Kara continues to stare back, silently daring her to admit whatever secret still lies between them. Lena’s gaze wanders over Kara’s face as if she is searching for some proof of her sincerity. And Kara opens her mouth to insist on it, but the words freeze in her throat as Lena steps forward. Two steps.

The first brings them together — Kara straightens against the door, confused, trying to give Lena space. But the Luthor doesn’t want _space_. With her second step Lena eliminates the air between them, pressing herself into the Super. And Kara’s breath stalls at the feel of Lena, at the softness of her curves which seem to fit into Kara’s own ridges, disappearing until there is no discernible line between them.

Lena’s hands ghost over Kara’s face. And even though her touch is feather light, Kara’s skin ignites under the brunette’s fingers. Blue eyes widen as the Luthor leans in, Lena’s fingers smoothing over her furrowed brows like she can sense Kara’s confusion. Lena draws closer still and panic rises firmly in Kara’s chest. Because there is a line. A line that is about to be crossed that cannot be uncrossed. A ledge. One that she won’t be able to simply fly back over. And Kara feels utterly human in that moment. As Lena’s green eyes fill her vision. Because it’s the first time she has felt truly helpless, fragile, unable to stop whatever future is coming.

Kara inhales and Lena catches the breath on her tongue. She presses a kiss to Kara’s lips and allows her own exhale to fill the Super’s mouth. A soft noise leaves Kara’s throat and Lena swallows it, pulling Kara’s bottom lip between her teeth before capturing her mouth fully. She lingers there, paying homage to Kara like she is something to be savored. Then her tongue flicks against Kara’s lips and the blonde thinks she can taste cinnamon and toffee on the other woman’s tongue.

The synapses in Kara’s brain are misfiring as she tries to wrap her mind around the complexity of everything she is feeling. But she can’t. It’s too much. Too big. Too heavy. It weighs her stomach down, some thrumming heaviness deep within her. And yet her ribs expand with air, with lightness. Her breath the only function which prevails without command — an instinctive response. And as Lena pushes into her and captures her mouth one last time, Kara thinks she might cry, feels that tightness coiling in her throat. Because in this one interaction her whole world is crumbling. Everything she thought she knew about herself falling to dust beneath the gentle pressure of Lena’s lips.

She can’t do anything but breathe as Lena pulls away to look at her. _In. Out. In. Out._ She can’t do anything but stare straight ahead as Lena presses her cheek against Kara’s own. She cannot feel her own body or hear her own thoughts as Lena speaks in a hushed whisper:

“I’m in love with you Kara Danvers. That’s my secret. _I love you._ ”

Kara blinks. Breathes. _In. Out. In. Out._ She wants to say something, anything, but nothing is working properly. She is in freefall. The line, the _ledge_ is a hundred feet above her and the ground still so far below. And there is wind rushing through her ears, drowning out any clarity that will surely… that _must_ come with landing.

_In. Out._ Lena’s shaky breath punctuates her own. Kara can feel the door being pulled open behind her, feel the splinters where her fingers have dug divets in the wood. Then a loud click as the door latches shut again. And that distinctive Luthor footfall which grows softer then fades all together.

Kara’s muscles tremble as the strength leaves her body, every limb stinging like a foot that has fallen asleep. She slides along the door, legs giving out beneath her until she’s sitting on the floor of her apartment. The sound of her breathing echoes through the empty space, ricocheting back to her own ears. _In. Out. In. Out._ She blinks and looks around, feeling utterly lost. Alone. And her breathing pattern shatters then, cracks as a sob breaks free.

She buries her face in her hands, shoulders shaking. And finally sound escapes her lips. One word which falls like a confession to floor. One name. Too late.

_“Lena.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me! Or before you do, just know that I might have another chapter in my head... 
> 
> Kara's POV felt much harder for me to write than Lena's. I hope you still liked it and couldn't tell _too_ much. As always, your comments give me life and put a smile on my face so please leave one if you can. Xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I _know_ it's been FOREVER. I hope you like this next bit :) Again, no beta so forgive any minor mistakes!
> 
> Dedicated to all of you lovely people who commented on the first two chapters. This story would have gone nowhere without your overflowing enthusiasm. Thank you!

* * *

I've been watching you  
For some time  
Can't stop staring  
At those oceans eyes  
Burning cities  
And napalm skies  
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes  
_Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish_

* * *

Lena tilts her head to the side, catching her bottom lip between white teeth to stop the frustrated expletive from leaving her mouth. Her brows furrow as she watches the human heart shrivel within its glass casing. Black spreads across the muscle until nothing remains but necrotic flesh.

Lena breathes in deeply, just once, and then sets her jaw, turning, “Burn it.”

The words fall flat in the empty lab and echo against the smooth tile floor. Lena freezes. Her green eyes search the space once more, but Eve is nowhere in sight. The Luthor lets out a long sigh. She remembers now. Her assistant _had_ mentioned something about an errand and then emails… but that had been, what, an hour ago? Lena is not sure.

She finds the control tablet and taps her index finger against its glossy surface. Flames explode within the case, incinerating the diseased organ until nothing remains but wispy, gray flakes. Lena watches the ash flutter to the bottom of the case and only when the last piece settles does she turn away, trading her tablet for a much smaller device. The button on the voice recorder clicks audibly when she switches it on, the sound almost identical to the sharp tapping of her heels as she heads back to her office.

“Trial 178… the artificially sustained heart functioned optimally for ninety seconds post-injection before showing signs of rapid decline. Severe increase in bpm. Constriction of the blood vessels. Darkening of the tissue due to loss of oxygenated blood…” Lena pauses, sinking into the chair behind her desk. She swivels to face the glass wall and frowns, confronted by a clear blue sky. She closes her eyes. “All the usual signs. Will try increasing levels of amlodipine to compensate for restriction of blood vessels. Perhaps switch the type of medication? An ARB or nitrate instead a calcium channel blocker. Or…”

Silence stretches on, begging to be filled. But Lena finds that she does not know what to say, what notes to add, what to _do_ to make this insane gambit work. She’s exhausted. It’s been too long since she had a decent night’s rest.

A slow exhale leaves her and she clicks the recorder off. She twists her chair around, eyes catching on the holographic clock on her desk. _11:29_. Lena snorts softly with a shake of her head. It’s not even midday. Maybe she’ll have Eve bring her a coffee. Yes, that’s exactly what she needs.

Lena is reaching for the intercom when her phone dings. A little banner pops up to remind her about _‘Lunch.’_ She frowns at the mundane note. Then heat rushes through her body and she breathes in sharply. Fuck. No, no, no… _shit_.

_Lunch_ stares back at her from the fluorescent screen and Lena groans running a hand over her face. She had almost forgotten. Almost succeeded in purging the memory from her brain. That moment of stupidity she’d had shortly after leaving Kar—after leaving Uptown.

It’s too late to cancel now. Lena may be mentally berating herself, but she is still a professional, an _adult_. It would be childish to cancel so last minute.

Lena glances down at herself and runs a hand over the rough silk of her hunter green shift dress. It’s not the nicest thing she owns, but it will have to do. There’s no time to change. And her hair is… fine. Messier than normal, yes. But…

She pushes back from her desk and walks to the mirror, intent on fixing the ridiculous atrocity that had somehow passed for acceptable at six o’clock this morning. Her footsteps falter when a sharp knock rattles the door. Is she already here? Half an hour is surely far too early to be considered punctual. Lena’s pulse steadies when she determines that it must be Eve and opens her mouth to tell her assistant to come in. But before any words can leave her lips, the large door is pushed open and a familiar head of golden hair pokes through. Not Eve.

Air rushes from Lena’s lungs and her throat tightens as she stares back at Kara. Her green eyes rove over the blonde, noting the look of wary determination which furrows the Super’s face. Kara is wearing a simple pair of black denim jeans with a pale floral top and the burgundy loafers which Lena knows are her favorite. She looks… good. Fine. Perfect. _Unaffected_. And it makes Lena all the more conscious of the faint circles under her own eyes and the bits of hair which stick out. Still, Lena tilts her chin up slightly.

“Yes?”

“I—ummm, well, I—” Kara steps through the door and then leans against it, adjusting her glasses. Lena swallows, a sudden panic rising as the latch clicks shut. She only manages to school her features from years of practice.

“What is it?” Lena raises her brows before turning to the mirror. She meets Kara’s wide cerulean eyes in the reflective surface. “I don’t have time for unannounced visits. Why don’t you make an appointment with Eve—”

“Lena, come on,” Kara’s expression has lost some of its confidence, but the conviction remains. “It’s me. I—I just want to talk to you.”

“And are you here as a friend or because you need something? Though… if I’m honest the two seem to be one and the same recently.”

“A _friend_.”

“Oh?” Lena slides her gaze back to her own reflection, forcing her hands to steady enough so that she can fix the rough plait from this morning.  

“I—” Kara’s voice sounds closer now, but Lena refuses to look away from her task. “I’ve been worried about you.”

“Have you?”

“Of course. You haven’t returned any of my calls and James—”

“You’ve been talking to James?” Lena cannot keep the surprise from her voice. A small pause stretches between them as Lena finishes her braid and pins it up.

“Did you expect me not to?”

Lena turns to find the blonde woman only an arm's length away. She forces a smile, “I don’t expect anything from you, Kara.”

The Super lets out a short, frustrated breath, crossing her arms, and stares back at the Luthor. Kara’s jaw works and her mouth opens then closes, then opens again as if she cannot quite find the words to speak.

“What?” Lena snaps. She doesn’t have time for this. Not now.

“Why did you break up with James?”

Lena’s lips part and she laughs in disbelief, “That is a stupid question, Kara.”

“Indulge me.”

“You _know_ why I broke up with James.”

Kara swallows visibly, face coloring slightly. She shakes her head, “Look, I’m worried about you. James is hurting and I know you are too. You’re acting so rashly and—”

“Oh, get off your high horse, Kara.”

“What? I only—”

Lena steps forward, lowering her voice, “If you can’t be honest, then you shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m not lying! Why would I? I told you I would never lie to you again—”

“No, you’re simply skirting the truth.”

Kara breathes in, cheeks hollowing out, and her jaw sets, “I _am_ worried—”

“Obviously. I mean it’s been, what, two whole weeks since we spoke? Your concern is truly overwhelming.”

“I wanted to give you space, Lena,” Kara admits softly, unable to hold the Luthor’s gaze fully. Lena almost laughs. Almost. Because space is the one thing she has never wanted from this woman. Until now. She could really use some now. Her eyes flick back to her desk where the holographic clock reads 11:45.

“Well, you’ve shown up. Asked questions. Your support is noted. _Thank you_ ,” Lena smiles tightly and crosses her arms, heading for her desk. Kara follows her.

“I would have come sooner. James only told me today and—”

Some sharp, dark emotion swirls through Lena. “So you’re only here because he asked you to come?”

“What?”

“That’s rich,” Lena shakes her head and her hands curl into fists to keep from trembling. Because she is angry, livid that it took James to spur any feeling from someone who claimed to be her best friend…  But it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Lena forces herself to release the air trapped in her lungs and unclench her fists. “It doesn’t matter,” she echoes her own thoughts.

“Of course, it matters,” Kara hisses, removing the distance between them. Her hand reaches out, but stalls a few inches short of Lena and then falls limply to her side. Kara’s brows furrow, “You should talk to James. I think it would help—”

Lena does laugh now. And it’s a sharp, bitter sound which escapes her as she pierces Kara with her unwavering gaze. “Who, Kara? _Who_ would it help?” Lena knows she’s being harsh. Her voice is cutting, cruel even. But her words are true and she has no desire to sugarcoat them anymore. “I’ve spent enough time catering to that man, enough time thinking that he might eventually see and _appreciate_ me. But he never has. And somehow I had convinced myself that it was my problem, that I wasn’t enough… but it was just the guilt talking. Guilt I felt because I knew I was in love with someone else.” Lena looks pointedly at Kara, smiling a bitter, half-smile. “But I don’t feel guilty anymore. Nor am I under the illusion that my relationship with James was good. Not all love is healthy after all… I should know that better than anyone.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m a Luthor, remember?”

Kara shakes her head as if she might protest, but what can she say? Lena is a Luthor and no amount of denying it will ever change that fact. Lena crosses her arms, wrapping her fingers around her biceps like a vice, gripping tighter so that the steady pulsing of her blood beneath her fingertips might ground her.

“I’m sorry, Lena. I—” The Super’s voice is quiet and strained. Lena only stares at the wall behind her, at the solid white surface beyond those golden waves. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know whether you need me to apologize or to— to just disappear. I wish… I wish I could give you what you want, but I don’t know…” Lena’s eyes drag back to Kara and whatever expression twists the Luthor’s features causes the words to die on Kara’s lips. Air hums between them, a tension which vibrates so steadily that it must surely snap.  The Super’s eyes widen, caught on Lena’s face, and her gaze dips down briefly. For less than a heartbeat.

Then Kara begins to ramble again. Plaintively. Apologetic. Words which string together, devoid of breath or rhythm or logic, and shatter the taut air as easily as a blunt hammer shatters glass. There’s a dull pounding ache in Lena’s chest. And the look of regret on Kara’s face adds weight to Lena’s hollow stomach. Because she was hoping… maybe… even if she couldn’t admit it…

The clock on the desk flickers, changing again, a silent countdown. _11:55_. Fuck. She needs Kara to leave. _Now_.

“I think you should go,” Lena stares at the desk, unable to watch whatever passes over Kara’s features as she falls silent once more, muted by Lena’s soft words. “I think you should leave.”

“Lena, please, I—”

The Luthor gathers the rest of her strength and forces it towards the heaviness in her sternum, towards that dull ache. She braces herself even as she makes her face close down, makes her voice harden and her eyes narrow. “Kara, I am asking you to leave.”

“I… Lena, I don’t know _how_ ,” the blonde whispers, eyes wide as she steps closer. Lena thinks there might be tears there. But then again, it could be the light. Kara’s mouth quivers slightly and Lena shifts her gaze away, wishing she hadn’t seen it. The Luthor takes a measured step back.

“Look Kara,” Lena states coldly. “I’ve lost enough people in my life that I am fairly gifted at goodbyes. I’ve had plenty of practice. And I’ll give you some advice. _It gets easier._ Trust me.” Lena smiles and it is an expression made of steel—brittle, hard, incapable of reaching her eyes. But her voice becomes light, professional even, as she meets Kara wide gaze. “Goodbye, Ms. Danvers. I don’t expect I’ll see you anytime soon, but do make an appointment next time you feel like dropping in. This is an office after all. Best to keep things professional.”

“Lena—”

_12:00._ “Kara, just _go_.”

“Look—”

The door swings open and Eve walks through, her attitude as spritely as ever. Lena’s assistant is followed closely by a rather tall, athletic woman with long strawberry-blonde hair. The woman wears a sleek pair of white slacks and a matching blazer. Her posture is relaxed, her hands tucked into deep pockets.

Eve’s eyes dart back and forth between Kara and Lena before she clears her throat and says quickly, “Blake Wilson, Ms. Luthor.”

“Thank you, Eve.”

The tall arrival fixes Lena with bright, brown eyes and the Luthor forces herself to smile naturally. The introduction is unnecessary. Lena recognizes Blake immediately, though the woman is much taller than she appeared in her online profile. God, why had she thought this was a good idea?

“You weren’t kidding when you wrote Fortune 500 on your profile,” Blake smirks as she saunters into Lena’s office. The Luthor coughs, heat rising to her cheeks.

“Did I write that?” Lena had stopped counting the glasses of Merlot by the time she’d decided it was a good idea to create a Tinder profile.

Blake’s eyes slide past Lena to where Kara stands. The Luthor follows her gaze and finds the Super with a deep frown set across her face. A lump rises in Lena’s throat and she finds it lodged there, nearly impossible to swallow. Blake cocks her head to the side with an easy smile.

“Am I early?”

Lena clears her throat, “No, not at all. You’re right on time. We just… finished up. Good day, Ms. Danvers.”

Kara’s jaw sets. Her blue eyes fix on Lena for a moment—three long heartbeats—before she nods sharply and walks towards the door. The Luthor’s stomach dips briefly as she registers that familiar, old disappointment. But relief soon eclipses that heavy emotion. It sweeps through Lena as the Super finally disappears from view. She breathes out, feeling a weight lift off of her shoulders.

“Are you ready?” Blake nods towards the door and Lena again tries her best to smile.

“Let me just grab my purse.”

Five minutes later, they are walking down the curb towards The Lotus Garden which happens to be Blake’s favorite Dim Sum restaurant. Lena doesn’t tell her that there is a better place on the east side of town—one that serves particularly good pot stickers. Lena is hoping that Blake doesn’t have an affinity for pot stickers.

She asks about Blake’s work in finance and is able to talk numbers which makes the woman grin. Lena laughs when Blake tries to tell a biology joke but gets the punchline wrong. Blake just shrugs and says _‘Well, at least I tried,’_ before winking at Lena. The conversation turns a little more personal once they’ve ordered. The food arrives in no time, but the direction of their conversation remains steady.

“Got any family in National City?”

Lena feels a familiar dread well up at the question. She swallows, “You haven’t heard of the Luthors?”

“Should I have?” Blake looks apologetic. “I grew up in Chicago so I’m really new to the social strata here.”

Lena waits, breath frozen. As if the woman might laugh and admit she is only joking. Of course, she’s heard of the Luthors. Who hasn’t right? But Blake just grins sheepishly and Lena allows a tentative smile to pull at her lips. She shakes her head, “I’m—I’m not close with any of my family—”

“Long story?”

“Something like that… And you? Are most of your family in the midwest?”

“Yeah, I have two brothers and a sister. They all still live in the windy city. I’m the ‘nomad’ of the family.” Blake tries to pick up a soup dumpling and curses under her breath when it slips from her chopsticks for the third time. “I’m terrible with these things,” the woman admits with a small laugh and then skewers the dim sum before bringing it to her mouth with significantly less broth than before.

Lena smiles and effortlessly picks up her own dumpling, chopsticks held delicately in her right hand. It’s almost second nature after the years of rigorous etiquette which Lillian forced upon both Lena and Lex.

“Another perk of the Fortune 500?” Blake asks, nodding towards her.

“Yes, the proverbial silver spoon,” Lena jokes, ignoring the blood rushing to her cheeks. “I feel like I should tell you that I was more than a little drunk when I wrote _that_.”

“I figured,” Blake smirks.

“I don’t… do this very often.”

“What, date?”

“Yes. That.”

Blake laughs slightly at Lena’s disgruntled tone, “Were you in a long-term relationship?”

“Relationship, yes,” Lena tilts her head. “Long term, no.”

“What was her name?”

“ _His_ name was James. And Jack before that.”

“Ah,” Blake sits back in her chair. “And have you—I hope you don’t mind me asking, but… have you ever been in a relationship with a woman?”

Lena blushes, glancing down at the tablecloth. “Not _technically_.”

“Sounds… complicated.”

Lena clears her throat, “I’ve been told that ‘complicated’ is my middle name.”

“Well, I’ve always liked a challenge.”

Lena’s raises her eyebrows and a smile lifts her lips in response to the wide grin which spreads across Blake’s face. The woman is easy-going and laid-back in a way that Lena could never be. It’s a nice change of pace and pretty quickly puts the Luthor at ease. Lena laughs more than she has in the past month and at moments feels lighter than she would have thought possible.

It’s a nice date. Better than Lena could have anticipated from a drunken foray into online dating. The chemistry between them is easy and very apparent and yet… Blake’s smile reminds Lena a little too much of a different blonde. More than once while Blake is speaking, the Luthor finds her mind drifting back to Kara Danvers, to Supergirl. Lena tells herself that it’s just the proximity— that if Kara hadn’t shown up this morning, Lena would not be having a problem. It’s _just_ the proximity.

This thought mollifies Lena somewhat and when Blake asks to see her again next week, the Luthor agrees. A week is what she needs. A week to wash away Kara’s floral scent which still clings to her office, to force the memory of that bright smile to fade, to decrease their proximity.

As Lena settles back into the leather chair at LCorp, she determines to keep her Tinder profile active. At least for a few months. It will be _good_ to put herself out there. Lena repeats this thought like a mantra. As if by saying it enough times the sentiment might actually become true. She’ll treat each date like a clinical trial, like one of her Harenell hearts. Trial and error until she finds the cure.

Lena presses down the button for the intercom, “Eve?”

_“Yes, Ms. Luthor?”_

“You still have the blacklist, correct?”

There’s a pause and then Eve’s perky disembodied voice asks, _“You mean the security list? All the names of people denied entrance to LCorp?”_

“Yes, that one. Can you add a name for me?”

_“Yes, let me just—”_ the sound of typing can be heard and then, _“Got it! Fire away, Ms. Luthor.”_

Lena bites her lip, breathing in and then out. Her fingertips press against the desk’s glossy, enamel surface until her cuticles turn white. She swallows twice.

_“Lena?”_

“Hmm?”

_“The name?”_

“Right,” Lena blinks, clenching her icy fingers into fists. “Kara Danvers. I want you to add Kara Danvers to the blacklist.”

_“Kara Dan—”_ Eve squeaks out, then catches herself. _“Are you sure, Ms. Luthor?”_

“I’m quite sure, Eve.”

Lena lets go of the intercom and leans back in her chair. She glances up at the white, nondescript ceiling of her office, eyes tracing the metal squares before falling down to her desk. The holographic clock ticks slowly to her left. She places a hand against her sternum and imagines she can feel her heart beat every few seconds. A slow, steady rhythm.

She manages two minutes like this. Two whole minutes. One hundred and twenty seconds before the agitation sets in and her mind begins to whirl faster and faster as if to spite the steady, slow passage of time. Lena pushes from her chair and snatches the voice recorder up with trembling fingers. She switches it on.

“Trial 179…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had to pull back on writing a bit to focus on my health, but I am going to finish this story. Never fear! I have the rest mapped out in my head. Your comments give me life and help me to write so let me know what you think xx


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful readers,
> 
> I am truly sorry for how long it's taken me to get this next chapter out. I could give you a litany of excuses, but the truth is that I've been going through some health stuff and had to take a step back from my writing. I'm slowly easing myself back into it and this chapter is a result of that. I hope you like it and haven't totally given up on this story <3
> 
> **CW:** This chapter does contain a short reference to eating disorders and a more lengthy description of chronic anxiety/panic attacks. Please only read this chapter if you feel that you are in a good place and it will not trigger you.
> 
> Also, this is hella freeform with no beta so bear with me please.

 

* * *

When the night was full of terrors  
And your eyes were filled with tears  
When you had not touched me yet  
Oh, take me back to the night we met

**The Night We Met - Lord Huron**  

* * *

“I’m sorry, Ms. Danvers, but I can’t let you go any further.”

Kara’s brows pinch together then relax as she lets out a short laugh, _“Excuse me?”_

“I can’t let you go any further,” the security guard repeats slowly, parsing out each word as if the language is what Kara doubts and not the message. He continues to speak in enunciated syllables from where he stands, his body a barricade before the LCorp elevators, the matte black of his uniform stark against the glowing marble entry. He keeps speaking, but the cavernous room absorbs any trace of his words. Kara can only watch as his mouth stretches and furrows, pulls and puckers.

She asks to speak with Lena. The security guard crosses his arms. Eve? He gives her a stern nod towards the revolving door. And for a moment, Kara considers it, considers simply removing him from her path. She imagines tossing him into the hard, flat marble. It would be easy. Too easy. Instead, she jerks her head once and leaves the building as silently as she had come in.

That had been three months ago.

Three months since Lena banned her from the building.

Three months since she was officially ousted from the Luthor’s life.

Three months, three weeks, two days and fourteen hours since Lena had kissed her and shattered Kara’s world into a million tiny fragments—pieces of sand, slipping from an hourglass. There were too many to keep track of, too many to hold on to, too many… Just too damn many. And maybe that is why Kara feels like she is falling apart at the seams.

_“I’m sorry, Ms. Danvers, I can’t let you go any further.”_  

The words won’t stop ringing in her ears. Those words and so many others. Words she dreads or regrets or longs for like she now longs for the sweet relief of nighttime. Because Kara has taken to counting the minutes in each day, hoping, praying that they will be over so that she can start again. Maybe _this time_ waking up won’t feel so bad.

But even sleep holds its own kind of nightmare. Every night, dreams of Lena envelope her subconscious, dreams of what might have been if Kara had just said the right thing, done the right thing, _been_ the right thing…before it was too late.

The mornings feel like falling into frigid water; the shock makes it nearly impossible for her to breathe. It’s all Kara can do to carefully put on her face, to put on that horrible, happy smile and pretend that everything is okay. She eats breakfast with Alex, trains with Nia, and laughs loudly at all of Brainy’s jokes. She rescues civilians and beats up bad guys and keeps moving forward. But at night, she comes here. To Lena.

She hides like a common thief, stealing glimpses of the Luthor—watching the brunette pace her office, speak aloud to no one in particular, or simply frown at the documents on her desk. Kara hovers just beyond the balcony, in shadow, a horrible dread curdling her stomach.

At first, Kara convinces herself that she is here for Lena’s safety, to ensure that the Luthor makes it home. There are dangerous people in National City right now. Too many for Kara to count or capture. So it makes sense. The logic is sound. And she doesn’t let herself consider the alternative. If Kara stays longer, if she loses track of time and waits until Lena falls asleep, until the Luthor’s heartbeat slows to a steady, peaceful rhythm, Kara doesn’t let herself notice.

But she notices other things. She notices all the women Lena brings home. She notices as the number grows. Kate this night. Kim the next. And Kara feels nothing. _Nothing_ . She is numb. She has to keep moving forward. She tells herself that she won’t be back. That _this_ is the last time. But that too is a lie. It turns out that Kara has become unnervingly good at lying…especially to herself.

Lately, Lena’s nights seem to grow longer; the hours she spends working stretch out until sometimes Lena doesn’t make it past the couch in her office. Kara keeps waiting for someone, _anyone_ , to notice, to see how pale Lena has become. That the more hours the Luthor spends hiding away, the thinner she becomes and the tighter her smile gets.

Kara knows Lena has stopped eating again, knows it in the rigid set to her shoulders and the tight clench of her jaw. In the shaky fist the Luthor hides under her desk and the sallow complexion of her porcelain skin. And still, no one notices. How can they not see it? Not Kim. Or Kate. Or any of the other nameless faces which have been passing through the Luthor’s sphere.

But maybe they don’t know, maybe Kara was never supposed to know. Lena had only told her once, then never mentioned it again. Once when the Luthor was so drunk that she could barely hold herself up, that night in Sam’s house, the first time Lena had admitted she loved Kara.

_“You believe that everything is good and kind, and that is one of the things I_ **_love_ ** _about you.”_

Only, Kara didn’t believe that. Not anymore. She can barely remember that person, the girl who had believed in such fairytales.

All Kara wants to do is break the brittle glass doors between them and shake Lena, shake her and somehow wake both of them up. But…

Kara can’t.

She won’t _._

Not when Lena put the barrier between them. So decidedly, definitively. All Kara can do is respect what Lena has asked of her. Even if it means being in agony. Even if it means watching her best friend slowly tear herself apart.

So Kara hovers in the shadows, beyond the edge of the balcony, exactly one hundred feet from where Lena sits. Always one hundred feet. And it’s fine, Kara tells herself when she finally flies home, when her guilt and conscience finally catch up with her. It’s fine, she tells herself as she tries to fall asleep, tries to find other dreams besides the ones which already stalk her subconscious. It’s fine, she says when she wakes up the next morning with tears smeared across her pillow. It’s fine. It’s fine. _It’s fine._

The days creep on, the hours, the minutes, and Kara finds that window inside of herself shrinking. It grows smaller and smaller until she has to force herself to eat Alex’s weekly delivery of potstickers even though she cannot taste them, until the tight smile for her friends becomes a blank stare, until all she can manage is a short, bitter laugh every so often just to remind them—to remind herself—that she’s alive.

And they notice. Kara doesn’t fool herself into believing that they cannot see it. Nia’s mouth, always partially open, a concerned look on her face and question which never seems to leave her lips. Brainy’s quizzical frown and the half-formed words that are usually cut off by a swift jab from Alex.

_Alex_.

Her sister just seems...lost. Sometimes, when she thinks Kara isn’t looking, Alex’s expression turns angry, like she could punch her way through a ten-foot concrete wall, but not this. She asked once. A month or so back. But Kara just repeated the same two words which have been rattling around in her head the past three months: _I’m fine._

So it surprises everyone, even Kara, when she finally breaks down.

It’s just another Friday. The weather outside is as grey and rainy as Kara feels, but she still invites everyone over. Like a toy duck, one of those plastic things you wind up and set loose on a table. How they just repeat the same motions over and over and over again, even as they teeter towards the edge.

Kara sets out plates, napkins, and utensils along the island, each in neatly stacked lines. She hears her sister shuffling around in the living room and wishes Alex hasn’t insisted on coming early.

“Hey Kara!” Alex shouts, her back to the Super as she bends over the sound system. “Any music preference?”

Kara’s shoulders shrug involuntarily before she remembers that Alex can’t see her. “Whatever—whatever you want is fine.”

Alex stills briefly, then straightens, turning. But Kara just looks down at the utensils, straightening the forks. A tense quiet stretches between them, broken only by the sound of their hearts pumping and the slow drip-drip of the faucet that Kara must have left on. The Super breathes out softly, the taut silence practically vibrating in her ears. _Don’t do it,_ she thinks desperately, praying that Alex won’t ask her again. Not now. Because she’s fine. Just fine.

The speakers hum, almost imperceptibly, and then the bass rumbles and a melody fills the space. Some pop song that Alex has taken to playing on repeat. Kara inhales shakily and bites her lip as her vision blurs. It’s fine. She’s _fine_.

She turns to the sink and twists the faucet, but it’s already closed. The slow dripping is just the distant echo of rain falling outside. Kara takes four deep breaths, counting the inhale and exhale, focusing on the numbers and the feeling of her chest rising and falling, and then straightens her shoulders as the song fades out.

“Beer?”

“What?”

“Do you want a beer?” Kara repeats with the fridge door propped open.

Alex gives a thumbs up as the next song starts and Kara reaches for two cold glass bottles. Her hip nudges the door shut once more. Then she freezes. The lilt of the music finally registering.

The soft guitar and harmony shoot straight into her chest like a spear. A reminder. A memory. A difficult interview that went sideways. Kara had blamed herself. Then Lena had shown and driven her out of the city. They hadn’t spoken; they hadn’t needed to. Lena had just driven Kara until there was enough space for the Super to breath, playing her favorite music, playing this song.  


_In the morning when I wake_

_And the sun is coming through,_

_Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,_

_And you fill my head with you_  


It hits Kara like a tidal wave. The panic. Her hands are gripping the island and the beers lay shattered at her feet before she’s even aware something is wrong. Her chest tightens and her blood pounds so loudly that the sound of the music becomes distorted. As if she is submerged in water. As if she is drowning.  


_When the evening pulls the sun down,_

Kara’s fingers dig at the wood. She stares down at hands that seem impossibly far away, unfamiliar.  
 

_And the day is almost through,_

She gasps in air, knees buckling.  
 

_Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,_

White-hot heat sears Kara’s body and then, just as suddenly, everything becomes very cold. 

_But my world is you._

 

**\---**

 

She’s on the floor now. As if she blinked and someone else had arranged her body. Alex’s face swims before her. And on either side…darkness, a pinhole. Her sister’s lips move rapidly, forming Kara’s name, but no sound escapes. Or maybe Kara cannot hear it. There is a dull ringing in her ears which only grows louder.

Arms wrap around her and suddenly Kara is on her feet again. Then...

  
Only fragments. Like someone has made a slideshow of her life:

The hallway.

Leaning against something sturdy. Alex.

A doorway.

The bathroom.   


Cold water hits her face and Kara breathes in sharply, gasping.

“I’m right here, Kara. I’m right here. I’ve got you. I’m right here,” Alex’s voice grows louder in her ears and the ringing fades. Water sluices down her fully-clothed body, her shirt and jeans completely soaked.

Kara blinks, breathes, reaches a hand out to steady herself. They’re in the bathroom, in Kara’s shower, water streaming over her and Alex. She inhales again. Forces herself to exhale. Then sinks to the floor. Her sister shuts off the water and then wraps a towel around Kara.

“I’m sorry,” Alex murmurs softly, rubbing her hands up and down Kara’s arms. “I didn’t know what to do. I just thought… I…”

Kara nods. She should reassure Alex. She doesn’t want her sister to worry. Everything is fine.

“I’m fi—” But the word catches in Kara’s throat and burns. A sob cracks open her chest; she curls in on herself, heaving. She’s not fine. She hasn’t been fine in months. She feels like she is drowning beneath a million little regrets that have grown so heavy they’ve taken shape, like heavy rocks in a bag she has been forced to carry.

“No, you’re not. You’re not fine,” Alex’s voice cracks and she pulls Kara into her arms.

Kara cries. Hard. Harder than she thinks she ever has. Or at least harder than she can remember. The way you do as a child when your whole world feels like it’s ending and snot runs down your nose and you feel like you might explode from all the emotion pouring through your chest. That’s what it feels like to Kara.

 

**\---**

 

An hour later, she is curled up on her couch, flannel pajamas and a warm blanket wrapped around her. No one else has shown up and Kara can only imagine that Alex texted the group not to come. Gratitude and dread swirl inside of the Super. She can’t hide, she can’t keep running, not anymore. And as Alex sets a steaming mug of hot cocoa in front of Kara and sits down, a bitter sense of resignation wins out. Kara wraps her hands around the mug, warming cold fingers.

“She hates me,” she finally whispers.

A pause. “Who?”

“Lena.”

Kara glances up. Alex is frowning at her, like she can’t quite understand, so Kara says again, “She _hates_ me.”

“I…” Alex shakes her head. “Did something happen? Because _that_ woman doesn’t hate you, Kara.”

A flood of emotions overtakes the Super—guilt, fear, shame, longing, confusion...too many to register. A few tears seep out of Kara’s eyes and she wipes them away roughly. How can she still be crying? As if there is any water left in her.

“Kara—”

“She kissed me.”

“Oh,” Alex sits back a bit, staring at Kara. “Did you—”

“I did nothing!” Kara laughs harshly, hands jerking and spilling hot chocolate. She barely notices. “Lena kissed me and said she was in love with me and I just stood there like a fucking fool and did nothing, Alex! I tried to fix things, but she doesn’t want me to. She knows I lied about my identity and she hates me for it. I’m banned from LCorp. _Banned_. She’s my best friend and I haven’t seen her in months. She’s suffering because of me and I just want to tell her that I’m sorry, but I can’t and—”

“Kara, Kara, calm down. Breathe,” Alex puts her hands on Kara’s shoulders. “Look at me.”

The Super blinks away more tears and finally drags her gaze toward her sister. Alex’s brows furrow and then the older woman sighs, “You can’t control anyone else but yourself, Kara.” The Super begins to protest, but Alex presses on firmly, “I know you’ve had the weight of the world on your shoulders from an early age, but you can’t be responsible for everyone and everything. And you’re not a bad person for not returning Lena’s feelings—”

Kara’s mouth falls open. Indigent. Alex doesn’t understand. It isn’t even about that.

Her sister pauses. “I mean… unless…do you feel the same way?”

“ _What?_ No, that’s not—I mean,” Kara splutters, heat rising in her cheeks. “Do I love her? Yes. Of course. Am I in love with her? I—I…”

“You know it’s okay if you are, right?”

Kara shakes her head in disbelief, more tears creeping down her cheeks. Stupid fucking tears. This isn’t— Alex doesn’t—

Her sister’s hands slid over her own. “It’s okay if you’re in love with Lena.”

Kara stares past Alex, at the far wall, at the door where Lena kissed her and whispers, “Then why do I feel so lost?”  

Alex’s hands squeeze over her own. “I know you’re scared right now, Kara. I was too. It’s…overwhelming…at first…to have your view of yourself shaken. But…when the dust settles, you will feel more you than ever before.”

“I don’t know, Alex...”

“This doesn’t change who you are inside. You know that right?”

“I…”

“It doesn’t.” The certainty in Alex’s voice pulls Kara’s gaze back, back to her sister who sits there, so strong and sure and whole. Alex smiles, “Everything that made you _you_ is still there. It’s just _more_ now. Deeper. Fuller. A bigger picture of your truth.”

Kara inhales, breath rattling. She wants to believe Alex. Badly. But…

“I keep thinking…” She admits quietly, hesitantly. “I keep thinking about Mon-El. I...I thought he was the one, you know? I was _so_ sure and then…so much went wrong and I realized how unhealthy certain parts of our relationship were, but…it still always felt real and...and now I’m not so sure.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

“I don’t know!” Kara throws up her free hand and then brings it to cover her face, sighing. “When Lena kissed me, it…I felt different, like nothing I ever felt before. That level of intensity. I didn’t feel that with Mon-El. And I—” Kara inhales sharply. She can feel herself spiraling again, feel the black spots growing larger in her periphery. She tries to breathe, but it catches in her throat. Alex’s hand grounds her, pulling her back.

“Kara, Kara, listen to me.” Alex looks directly into her eyes. “ _All_ relationships are different. No matter what gender or orientation you are dating. Feeling things more deeply for someone doesn’t invalidate what you felt before. It’s just…different. And that’s natural.”

Relief floods Kara at Alex’s words and she half laughs, half sobs. Nodding, she tries to breathe out slowly, “That makes sense. God, why didn’t I think of that?”

Alex chuckles, “Because you’re confused...which is also natural.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

They both laugh and Alex pulls her into a bear hug, spilling more hot chocolate.

It feels like coming home. Or waking up. Or resurfacing after a long dive. Like Kara can finally breathe again. And it’s only in that moment of lightness that Kara realizes just how much she had been drowning, how that burning sensation in her chest had numbed every other feeling, how she had begun to believe that some part of her was a _lie_. She squeezes Alex back, careful not to crush her sister, and for the first time in a long time Kara feels present, truly present, in that moment, in her life.

“Hey, Kara?”

“Mmmhmm,” the Super murmurs into her sister’s shoulder.

“You should consider telling Lena how you feel.”

Kara pulls back, brows pinched. “But I don’t _know_ how I feel.”

Alex gives her a look, “I think you do.”

Something warm curls in Kara’s stomach, something that feels surprisingly similar to fear, but…it’s so much _more_ than that. It’s excitement and dread and joy and relief all bundled into one sensation bursting through her system.

“I have to go,” she states, jumping from the couch. She hurriedly sets the half-full, yet-to-be-sipped hot cocoa down with a loud thump.

“Right now?! I didn’t mean—”

“Right now,” Kara nods, beginning to head for the window.

Alex cocks her head, eyes wide, “Did you want to change first?”

“Oh,” Kara looks down at her flannel PJs. “Right.”

She speeds into her bedroom and throws on a pair of jeans and a sweater in 57 milliseconds flat.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Alex asks when the Super zooms back into the living room.

Kara shakes her head, bouncing on the balls of her feet. That tender sensation still fluttering in her abdomen. Relentless. Demanding. “Nope, it’ll take too long— I mean, I just—Nope. I’m okay.”

Alex grins, saluting her, “Good luck then.”

“Thanks,” Kara’s lips twist in that goofy smile. The one she hasn’t felt like wearing in months. “Will you—”

“I’ll be here. Whatever happens.”

Kara nods and giving her sister one last hug, blasts out the open window.

The night air bites at Kara’s face, but it feels good. She feels alive. The stars overhead are dulled by the lights of the city, but she can see the moon glowing in distance, full and luminous. Kara isn’t sure whether to try LCorp or Lena’s apartment first; she didn’t even bother to check the time before she left. She swerves towards the Luthor’s place of work at the last second, just to be safe. Her heart thunders against her ribcage and her mind races with all the things she wants to say, to admit, to _confess_. God, she hopes Lena won’t slam the door in her face, hopes that the Luthor still feels the same, that she hasn’t already given up on Kara.

With all of the thoughts running through the Super’s mind, her awareness is dulled. She barely notices the tug at her navel or the slow-growing pain that spreads from its origin. It’s only when she begins to lose altitude that her mind slams into focus.

Pain radiates through Kara and her breath comes in short gasps. Her mind has a few seconds to register the fatigue which drains at her body’s core, just a few seconds, then her whole world becomes an impenetrable shade of black. And the wind begins screaming in her ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudo and let me know what you think! We're almost out of the angst spiral, you guys. Next chapter will be Lena's POV and then the last will be a little of both (I think). 
> 
> Again, due to health reasons, I'm not sure how quickly those chapters will be out.
> 
> [The song featured in this chapter is called 'Bloom' by The Paper Kites]

**Author's Note:**

> No beta for this so forgive any minor mistakes! 
> 
> Also, if you haven't listened to The Staves sing Jolene, you should absolutely check it out. It is _incredible_.
> 
> You can listen to it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im6-xs2_giA).  
>    
> Reviews give me life so please leave a comment <3


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